Transformers: Age of Extinction

Director: Michael Bay
Year Released: 2014
Rating: 1.0

"Matt, why are you watching this? You've despised all the other giant robot porn movies from Michael Bay, so what's the point of sitting through all three hours of this if there's no chance of you even mildly enjoying it or being entertained by it?" "Great question, person who doesn't exist and is merely me trying to find a new way of writing about this! For one, I'm sort of a completist (as you might have noticed by now) so I feel 'obligated' to watch it, having seen the other three and because I admittedly grew up a Transformers fan (I had the toys and such). Yes, this is a bit of a chore, and not much different from the previous films, with Mark Wahlberg starring as an inventor (!?), the Optimus Prime character beaten up for much of the running time, its best comedic element (T.J. Miller) incinerated too early, wacky conspiracy theories all over the place (the U.S. Intelligence Community apparently wants to destroy humanity) and, finally, a weak warning is delivered against tampering with the environment. Would I recommend it to others? No. If there's another one will I watch it? Probably. The completist in me always triumphs."