New Moon

Director: Chris Weitz
Year Released: 2009
Rating: 1.0

Installment number two of the disturbingly popular series by Stephenie Meyer makes the first movie seem thematically rich and romantic in comparison. The key relationship between blood-sucking sparkle-boy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, barely there) and Bella (Kristin Stewart, only there in body) is troubled when Ed and family leave town, forcing Bella to combat loneliness and reject the advances of a local werewolf (Taylor Lautner, shirtless). It's Porn for Teenage Girls (as opposed to Teenage Girl Porn, a completely different genre): young lads fighting over the affection of one young lady ... but she Only Has Eyes for Him. The storyline in which the Cullens meet Michael Sheen's character makes little sense (this coming from someone who admittedly never read the books), the dialogue is awful ("I guess the wolf's out of the bag," "You're warm. You're like your own sun.") and Stewart's character is so vacuous it's hard to believe she'd attract so many takers (especially when the adorable Anna Kendrick is available). The wall-to-wall music is distracting, though if there's one positive to take from this dreck, it's the excellent Thom Yorke track "Hearing Damage" (which, coincidentally, accompanies a rather dumb CGI battle).