King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Director: Guy Ritchie
Year Released: 2017
Rating: 1.5

Following the murder of his father, Uther Pendragon (Eric Bana), little Artie (Charlie Hunnam) escapes his evil uncle Vortigern (Jude Law) and is raised by prostitutes (not the worst of all possible things, if you ask me) - he grows up street-wise and sneaky, until one day he finds he's the only one in the land who can remove Pop's sacred sword Excalibur from a stone ... which sends Vortigern after him (and his merry men). Ritchie tries gussying up the old legend with flash cuts and CGI, rushing through introductions and subplots as if they're major inconveniences - the end product is tailored for the stereotypical video game enthusiast with a fleeting attention span (it's like Dark Souls with a little Assassin's Creed mixed in). The whole thing is noisy and messy and gray, and while Hunnam's rather bland as the lead, Law is deliciously hammy as the villain, a role he's not accustomed to playing (oh, how he relishes slicing off an ear!).