Fifty Shades Darker

Director: James Foley
Year Released: 2017
Rating: 0.5

Part two of the stupid, sadomasochistic saga involving billionaire Christian Gray (Jamie Dornan) and his "sub" Anastasia (Dakota Johnson): they fight, they get back together, he uses some new toy/device on her, they fight again, etc. Not only are the sex scenes insultingly lame, the movie is tension free - a potential rival appears, Ana's boss Jack (Eric Johnson), but then he gets creepy (he never read a pamphlet on sexual harassment in the workplace) and is quickly fired (even a helicopter malfunction is an mundane moment). The dialogue remains clunky ("Laters baby" one text reads, as if it were sent by a teenager) aside from a few (intentional? unintentional?) zingers, like when Christian tells a clueless Ana that the Ben Wa balls "don't go in your butt" or when Ana says to Christian, passionlessly, "I want you to spank me" (he does ... and so what). If you want porn, watch actual porn - at least someone in that typically gets excited.