Jupiter Ascending (2015) review

Incoherent (and often laughable) sci-fi film by the Wachowskis has toilet-scrubber Jupiter (Mila Kunis) kidnapped by space creatures, rescued by a man-dog (Channing Tatum), lost again, declared ruler of Earth, almost forced to marry a cocky space-prince (Douglas Booth), rescued again by Magic Mike, lost again, forced to watch Eddie Redmayne deliver one of the worst performances of the year (queue up that Razzie Award!) and eventually rescued again and taken back to Chicago (it had to have been edited by using William S. Burroughs' 'cut-up' technique). What I really like to think it's about, however, is a toilet-scrubber who really, really wants to buy a used telescope and the Revised Terms and Conditions of the sale on eBay declares that she has to take a variety of psychedelic drugs and re-enact scenes from a medley of lousy futuristic movies (Battlefield Earth, Soylent Green, whichever one has giant reptiles who use saws and needles to bore into human heads for sustenance). The CGI is passable, but this should have been a video game, not a movie.