Vampire Academy

Director: Mark Waters
Year Released: 2014
Rating: 0.5

Highly derivative (Harry Potter meets Twilight meets Mean Girls) teen movie takes place at a high school for 'good' vampires (the Moroi) and half-vampires/half-humans (the Dhampir) as they prepare to fight the evil Strigoi - in this scenario, Chosen One Lissa (Lucy Fry) is protected by Kickboxin', Sassy Rose (Zoey Deutch). Though the crypto-queer subtext between Lissa and Rose is intriguing, that's about as deep as this goes - one would think the director of Mean Girls and the writer of Heathers could pull together some witty satire, but I'm assuming the source text (by Richelle Mead) is so unimaginative and pandering they were overwhelmed by its vapidity. Fry tries to summon her inner Juno and Sarah Hyland's 'nerdy' busy-body is modeled after Brittany Murphy's Tai in Clueless, but one would be better rewarded by seeing (or re-watching) the other, better movies this is poorly cobbled from. It's mentioned at one point there's such a thing as 'amateur blood whore porn' ... link please?