Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Director: Sara Sugarman
Year Released: 2004
Rating: 0.5

Awful teen muck about a teenager (Lindsay Lohan) who moves from New York to New Jersey, treats it like she's going to Somalia and realizes that Hollywood's idea of suburban New Jersey is just another homogenized Beverly Hills but with only half the people driving BMWs. The Disneyfied antics lead Lohan and her friend to see the last show of their favorite band (with lyrics as good as Shakespeare!), engage in a video game dance duel with a classmate (to see who's more "awesome") and fuck up George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion worse than George Cukor ever could. The least realistic part of the movie is how a bunch of 15-year-olds could spend so much time with a drunken British rock star - in his Warholian SoHo apartment no less - without any lawsuits being filed or private videos being made. It's true: musicians are honorable, onion-ring obsessed people - goddamn you, R. Kelly.